Bonecave of the Bonewizard
Finnegan Fightmans is the best fighting man in the land. He's fought wolves, bears, bugbears, bear-bugs, bugbears riding bears bareback and at least three or four more combinations that I won't mention because that would just dilute the gag. He fought every other man claiming the name of Fightmans and bested them all. He's got buff-ass muscles, cool-ass scars, a sweet-ass 'tache and one bad-ass attitude.
And then there is Marvin...
Meek in both appearance and demeanour. He hasn't fought any bears. Nor has he defeated a worthy opponent in single combat. Goddamn, what a sorry excuse for a hero. The sight of him just makes you wanna contempt-puke. And the puke wants to grow buff arms and legs, walk over to him and kick sand in his face before absconding with the girlfriend he'll never have.
Suppressing the urge to fling the scummy fecal stain in to the nearest hard surface, Finnegan had taken it upon himself to mentor Marvin. Normally he wouldn't waste his time on such a task, since it didn't involve arm wrestling an ogre or swording a mythical beast or whatever. But this time, he had been offered a heavy pouch of coin from some folks who decided Marvin was a shame to the whole village and needed to be taken out in to the forest to be dealt with. If there was one thing Finnegan hated more than wussy dweebs it was whining villagers who wouldn't take care of their own shitty little problems. Oh, he'd take care of Marvin all right. He'd mentor the everloving shit out of this kid just to spite them. I'm gonna train him and mould him in to the best mutha-effin' warrior this land ever did see, Finnegan thought. Yeah. We're gonna go on adventures and form a lifelong companionship and maybe even a father-son bond. Shit yeah. This'll be sweet. And so Finnegan dragged the little twerp off in to the forest for the greatest adventure of his life...
~
"Manservant!" Bellowed Finnegan, towering over the loser.
"It's Marvi-" Marvin tried to correct.
"Shut up! We have adventuring to do and my sword, pecs and horse aren't going to oil themselves!" Finnegan swung around and marched over to a nearby rock to do eight hundred squats. Marvin steeled himself for the uncomfortably erotic rubdown sesh.
SOME SEXY HOURS LATER...
"Lesson one.You failed it! Don't do shit for anyone. Especially not weird shit like oiling my hot bod. Even though I told you to go slow and careful on my firm thighs and tight butt, it was uncomfortable and now I can't look you in the eye anymore. And then you did the horse too!? You're fuckin' sick, kid."
The Horse gave a disgruntled snort and stared askance at Marvin.
"B…But you said t-"
"Not listening, chodeface! Let's go to that cave over there. We need to get you danger-laid. You're not going to have sex though. It just means we'll probably fight something in there and it will be your first time fighting so it's kind of like losing your virginity but for fights."
The two walked over to the cave. A line of adventurers were standing outside, apparently waiting for their turn to enter. Beside the cave entrance was a sign which read:
FREE TREASURE
ENQUIRE WITHIN
Marvin politely took his place at the back of the line. Finnegan shook his head.
"Lesson two. You fucked it! Lines are for dorks." Finnegan started strolling confidently past the adventurers.
"Hey! Jackass! Didn't you see the line? Suck my dick! Don't you know how to follow unwritten social rules? Eat a poo!" Yelled a Halfling. Finnegan stopped and slowly turned his head; neck muscles making cartoon balloon twisting sound effects.
"Hear that, Mary?" Yelled Finnegan to Marvin. "This guy called you a name and told you to eat something gross. Are you gonna take that from a short-ass, no-dick-havin', piece of shitty dirt?"
"It's Marvin, sir," called Marvin from the back of the line. "And I think he was talking to y-"
"Can it, buttshit! Now get over here," Ordered Finnegan, snatching a blade from a nearby adventurer. "Take this sword and ruin this idiot's face."
Marvin sheepishly walked up the line. Adventurers were giving him the stink eye and some even threw him the double stink eye. He had never felt more ashamed in all his life. Finnegan shoved the sword in to Marvin's hand. "Go get him, tiger!" He said, giving Marvin a slap on the back for encouragement. The halfling stepped out of the line, cracking his knuckles and pulling out his knives.
"Sorry kid. Shouldn't-a broken the line rules. Now you're gonna die because of that one time in your life you thought challenging the status quo was acceptable behaviour."
As Marvin stepped forward - sword rattling in his poncy grip - he tripped on a rock, falling forward and into the halfling. Marvin's blade landed right between the eyes and sliced downwards, cleaving the halfm'n in twain. He landed flat on his face as guts rained down.
"Daaaaaaaaaaamn. That's some cold-ass Ninja Scroll shit right there" said a line dweller.
"He crazy as shit!" Exclaimed another.
"This mad dog will end us all! Flee you fools!" Shrieked a third overacting extra. The line dispersed quickly and soon only Marvin and Finnegan were left.
Marvin sat stunned in a pool of blood and internal organs. "I…I killed a guy." He stammered.
"By the gods, kid!" said Finnegan, surveying the mess. "You've got some anger issues. Let's go get that treasure before I vom." He grabbed the now catatonic Marvin by the scruff of the neck and dragged him into the cave entrance, leaving a trail of viscera behind.
Inside the cave, a wizard wearing purple robes stood beside an archway leading to parts beyond. Atop the wizard's head was a dope looking black iron crown with jagged metal spikes, a skull shaped half-mask and studded with green gems.
"Where did all the sucker-I mean other prize winners go?" Asked the wizard as Finnegan and Marvin entered.
"I murdered in cold blood…" Mumbled Marvin to himself - still in shock.
"Of course it's a wizard..." sighed Finnegan. "Alright, you smelly old coot. What's the scam?"
"You insult me. I'm but a kind old man, wanting to share the wealth I gathered over the course of a long and full life." Explained the definitely not a kind old man, unconvincingly.
"Uh huh. What's with the evil looking skull crown then?" Asked Finnegan, gesturing to the head wear.
It felt so good. Thought Marvin.
"This? Oh, it's just an old memento from my adventuring days. There are plenty more like it just beyond this hallway next to me. Won't you take a look?" Deflected the very evil wizard, still not fooling anybody.
Finnegan leaned over and peered through the hallway. Beyond he saw a cavern full to the brim with skeletons, just chilling out.
"All I see are a bunch of skeletons. This is definitely a trick. I fuckin' hate tricky wizards."
"I can see you're a clever one," Said the wizard, taking a few steps towards the heroes. "Very well. I am not some kindly old man, but in fact; THE BONE WIZARD JORVAXX!" He paused, hoping the name would strike fear in to the two heroes. Alas, it was not to be. Finnegan had few fucks to give at the best of times, and just being in the presence of a decrepit old wizard was draining his fucks account dry. Also, Marvin was still working through some existential issues or something and wasn't really paying attention.
"Now prepare to die and join my skeleton army, fools!" Screeched Jorvaxx.
I feel so fucking powerful. I just wanna cut and hack and kill and kill and kill and kill. Marvin's inner monologue was getting kinda creepy at this point.
"It's fuckin' on you piece of old cheese smelling, stupid dress wearing, farty old fart!" Roared Finnegan.
As Fightmans drew steel and Wizard drew wand, Marvin snapped out of his stupor.
"KILLING IS THE FUCKING BEEEEEEESSSSTTTTT" Screamed the boy as he leapt towards Jorvaxx, sword and rage boner fully extended. Finnegan watched the two tumble backwards in to the hallway, stopping mid way as they hit something soft, squishy and previously unseen. The wizard had placed a Gelatinous Cube in the hallway to catch, absorb and convert witless adventurers in to skelemen.
"Nooooooooooooooo," Jorvaxx wailed as the acidic jelly cube began to engulf him and dissolve his flesh. "Killed by my own traaaaap. I should have known it would end like thiiiiissssss," The wizard craned his neck to get in one last line before carking it. "Evil never paaaaays! Winners don't use drugsssssssss." Finally, he was reduced to bones and shut the fuck up.
Marvin turned his head back to Finnegan while he too was absorbed.
"Lesson three. You nailed it. Die in a totally metal way." Finnegan nodded in respect as the sad Terminator 2 ending theme started playing. Marvin gave a thumbs up as he sunk in to the cube. As the boy's flesh was painfully stripped from his bones, Finnegan mused that there was probably plenty of time to save him while the wizard died, but whatever.
Finnegan stood around awkwardly for a few minutes before shuffling out of the cave. He returned to the village and was welcomed as a hero. The villagers assumed he had dealt with Marvin. Finnegan had already forgotten who that was.
"Wait a minute," said Finnegan to nobody. "I'm the fightiest fight mans in all the land and I didn't get to fight a single thing all day? What a load of sh-"
THE END
~
POST ENDING STINGER
Closeup of an iron skull crown crashing to the ground in slow motion. Followed moments later by a skeletal hand. Suddenly the hand springs to life and clutches the crown. Maniacal laughter echoes through the cave.
Cut to black.
THE END FOR REAL THIS TIME
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